Drawn Mochi Volume 2 Chapter 26.2: Chick-Colored Hope *1

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　I breathe once.

　I’m breathing fast. My heart is galloping. I shouldn’t say it

　But I have to put it into words.

“To make a career out of painting, I have to be accepted by others. …Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” (Tougo)

　I’m afraid that I need to be accepted.

　It was quiet for a while.

　My mind kept swirling with events at school and at home. They were all either scary memories or bad memories or a combination of both, and the scenes, the voices, the stares, everything was flooding in and crushing me.

　The gold medal I received at the arts and crafts exhibition. The picture displayed in my room at home. The essay I submitted on my “dream for the future”. My parents’ troubled faces. A piece of paper without a number. The wall of the room where the picture was removed.

　A gold paper that was visible in the garbage bag.

　An art textbook. Watercolors and acrylics. A sketchbook bought with the allowance I had received.

　The words “Law School” that I wrote on the application form. The smiles of my parents. Praise for doing the right thing.

　There should have been memories of things that weren’t scary, things that were fun, and things that made me happy, but none of those things appeared, and all I could see were the things I was afraid of and hated.

“Hey.” (Laocles)

　I cower and shrink back as Laocles extends his hand to me.

　It’s cold. I can’t feel my hands. I’m scared. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t think about anything.

　…but somehow, I manage to push them away, to put the lid on them, to put them away, as they occupy my mind.

　It’s okay. I’ve done it many times before. I know it’s best not to remember these things.

　I take a few conscious deep breaths and I’m fine.

　I wipe my forehead and look up, even though I’m sweating a little.

　…Then I met Laocles’ eyes.

　Apparently, he was staring at me. Maybe even while I fix myself up.

　… Laocles let out a long, thin breath. It was like a sigh, but not like a sigh. It seemed to me that he was trying to be as careful as possible: “This is not a sigh, so it does not express disappointment or disappointment.” It also seemed to be a way of calming… Laocles himself.

“Tougo.” (Laocles)

“Yes.” (Tougo)

　I also calmed down a little when he called my name. Then I remembered that, come to think of it, it was probably the first time Laocles had ever called me by name.

“…I know I shouldn’t say it, but.” (Laocles)

“…yes.” (Tougo)

　And Laocles said, looking lost… carefully.

“Then, isn’t that what you longed for?” (Laocles)

“You longed for others to approve of your painting, and that’s why you were afraid of it, wasn’t it?” (Laocles)

　For a while, the words did not enter my head.

　But after repeating them in my head several times and ruminating them slowly, very slowly… I began to calm down.

　Then little by little I let the words out of my mind and look at what was inside me.

“…I didn’t have the courage to be recognized. I didn’t even have the courage to get people to recognize me.” (Tougo)

　I try not to remember as much as possible as I speak.

　But when I put it into words, I felt as if it was someone else’s problem, and it didn’t seem so terrible in my head.

“I didn’t think they would even acknowledge me.” (Tougo)

“…I see.” (Laocles)

　I cut off the words. Breathe in, breathe out.

　…Yeah, I’m okay.

　It’s surprisingly okay. Maybe putting things into words is a very healthy thing to do. At least, it’s better than keeping it bottled up inside.

　In fact, right now, I am facing what I fear much more easily than I thought I would.

“That’s why I wrote law school.” (Tougo)

“Law School?” (Laocles)

　Yes. Law School.

　I think it’s a “Uezora Tougo-like answer” that wouldn’t cause any trouble.

　…It was easier to get them to see “Uezora Tougo” than to get them to accept “Tougo”.

　I was afraid, so I put on the shell of “Uezora Tougo”. If I had done that, “Tougo” would be saved.

　I might have been a fool. Even if he had been covered in a hard, narrow shell, he would have suffocated and died anyway.

　But I had no choice. I think that’s probably what I had to do.

　But I was still alive. My teacher sometimes lifted up the edge of my shell and said, “Tougo, you really like to draw.”

　That’s why I’m alive. And I came to this world and… wanted to stay alive.

　This “I want to live” doesn’t mean that I want my heart to move, and I want to breathe… It’s a much more selfish meaning of “I want to live”.

　I wonder if it’s okay for me to live. I wonder if it’s even possible that this world would allow me to do so.

“…I have feelings of hope, and of fear of disappointment.” (Tougo)

　When I put it into words, I felt as if the fear would win out. But Laocles is listening quietly in front of me, so I have to say it.

“But maybe, after all, the reason I still feel lost… is because I’m still longing for it.” (Tougo)

“To be recognized by people. To be recognized as a person.” (Tougo)

　… I think this world is probably not so different from the original world. This case made me think a little.

　I will be valued more for materializing the picture than for drawing it.

　I think they will find more value in me than in my painting.

　…and that value will surely fill me up. It will lead to “success” regardless of the painting… and then I will die.

　Here, “dying” is not, as others would think, the heart stopping and breathing stopping, but the death of the part of the body that is not the physical body.

　It is the same in every world.

　In the end… I have to give up in order to live.

“I like painting. If I can’t continue painting, it’s not much different from being dead. So, even though I know that I will not have a successful life if I keep painting, I want to keep painting. I don’t care if it’s a failure of a life, I still want to paint.” (Tougo)

“I suppose you’re right. You seem to be that kind of creature.” (Laocles)

　Laocles nodded, looking a little relieved. That made me happy that he is very dependable.

　So, I close my eyes.

　I have to say this, not to Laocles, not to me… but to the people I want to say it the most, the people I need to hear the most.

“I want you to forgive me for choosing a path that will lead me to failure. It doesn’t matter if you don’t support me.” (Tougo)

“…I’ve been wanting to say this for a long time.” (Tougo)

　I finally said it.

　I was so scared when I said it out loud.

　But I felt as if I could finally breathe. This may be how a newborn baby feels when it breathes on its own for the first time.

　…If Teacher heard this, would he laugh at my simple words? Would he laugh and tell me it’s okay to be me? …Well, whatever it is, he would be pleased.

　I’ve heard that he liked my words as much as I liked his poor doodles.

　I wonder what my parents would have said if they had heard…

　Would they have been angry? Would they have quietly disowned me? Or maybe they would have thrown me in a mental hospital or something.

　…I wonder if they would have just pretended that nothing had happened the next day without saying anything about it. I think so. I feel like that. Maybe “Tougo” will have to pretend to have never existed. That’s why I will continue to be “Uezora Tougo”. That’s how I felt… and I was probably “successful”. I didn’t want it. I decided not to keep “Tougo” in.

“Do you feel better?” (Laocles)

“Yeah. Very.” (Tougo)

　Once I became aware that this was what I wanted to say, I felt a lot calmer.

　The reason I longed to make painting my career was because, for me, being able to work at painting meant that I was “recognized for my painting”.

“I don’t need ‘success. Of course, I know I can’t live with that, and that’s not how they want me to live.” (Tougo)

　I’ve been told that you can aim higher. I’ve been told that they want me to be happy. I’ve been told that many people to get what I want, but I can’t.

I know they want me to “succeed”. I know that if I wanted to, I could have it.

　But I just hated it.

“So, I’m willing to die. I know that. I know that there are people who don’t want me to die. I know that, but… maybe I can’t live like that.” (Tougo)

　They want me to stay alive, they want me to be happy. The more he told me that, the more I felt suffocated. Because, for me, I was led to my death when I was told that.

“…I wanted them to give up on me. I am a creature who cannot live as they desired.”

　I just felt suffocated, afraid of things, and just felt sorry.

I was raised “right,” and a “successful” life was within my reach. But I don’t wish for it.

　I guess I’m the one who is crazy.

　I have grown to love something that is useless and cannot live without it.

　I know it’s stupid. Even if it’s a bad thing. I’m sorry. That’s why I wanted them to give up… I wanted them to be disappointed that I am not the brilliant creature they think I am. But at the same time, I was afraid of being disappointing them.

　There are so many contradictions.

　That’s why I couldn’t put it into words for a long time.

　…I could finally put it into words, and I’ve already made it clear. So, I’m okay now.