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That day I was doing pencil sketches.
It takes time for oil paints
to dry. Especially in winter, the paint dries slowly. So oil paints take a long
time to dry, and I end up doing pencil sketches or watercolors in between.
I have heard that the basis of
painting is drawing. Not necessarily because of that, but I don’t dislike
pencil sketching so much. There is the frustration of not being able to draw
the way you want and the frustration of not being able to express yourself
well, but as you add more and more pictures, it gets less and less frustrating,
and it simply becomes a joy to draw.
… It was raining outside.
Why is it so cold when it
rains in winter? But I don’t dislike this coldness so much.
I feel most at home when it’s
a little cold. That’s why I don’t turn on the heater very often.
In a slightly cold room, I
don’t turn on the light too much and just move my pencil while rubbing my chilled
hands. That somehow calms me down.
…though there are people in
this house who don’t like the idea of me being in a cold room.
“Tougo, I hope you’re not
still wet. You’ll catch a cold.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
My teacher came in with a
towel in his hand. He probably saw my shoes at the entrance but not my umbrella
and realized that I had come all this way without an umbrella. No wonder. I
didn’t have an umbrella today.
…And just as my teacher
predicted, I was still wet.
Of course, I wiped my hands.
Otherwise, I would have been in trouble because the paper would have been wet
even though I was in the middle of drawing.
However, I didn’t wipe my hair
very much. Or rather, even if I wiped my hair, it wouldn’t dry immediately, so
I’ve given up on it.
“…come on. What’s with
the cold in this room? You didn’t turn on the air conditioner again, did you?”
(Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
“I told you that you could
turn it on, but you didn’t turn on the heater. Instead you had the air
conditioner on cold… You quite like the cold, don’t you?” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
When I answered, my teacher, laughed
happily.
“That’s fine, but you
should wipe your hair. You’re really going to catch a cold. Come here.”
(Teacher)
My teacher put a towel over my
head as I approached and began to dry my hair. He wasn’t very good at it.
“I dry wipe it myself.”
(Tougo)
“No, not yet. I want to
experience it because I don’t get this kind of opportunity very often. I wonder
if this is what it feels like to dry a large dog.” (Teacher)
That may be so, but I wonder
how similar it is to the feeling of drying me. I don’t know either, so I can’t
say anything.
But for the time being, I
decided to be dried until my teacher was satisfied.
After being towel dried by my teacher,
I felt a bit distracted, so I decided to take a break. I heard that Teacher
also came to take a break, so it was just right that we both took a break.
I hold the cup of cocoa my
teacher brought in with both hands and warm my fingertips. I love the feeling
of my fingers slowly warming up.
“Ah, it looks like it’s
going to stop raining. It’s getting weaker.” (Teacher)
He looked out the window with
a cup of cocoa in his hand.
By the way, Teacher still
doesn’t drink cocoa for the time being because he has a cat’s tongue. I also
have a cat’s tongue. So we both don’t drink cocoa while it’s still hot. But I
think it’s a good thing because a cup of hot cocoa makes a good hot water
bottle.
“It looks like the rain
will be over by the time you leave. I’m glad. You wouldn’t want me to lend you
an umbrella, would you…?” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
“Well, take it easy until
the rain clears up.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
I sipped from my cup, hoping
that the rain would last just a little longer.
…It was natural since I had
given up on Teacher’s cup since it was still a little too hot for me to drink.
So for a while longer, the cup
of cocoa will be a hot water bottle for my hands.
While warming myself with the
cup of cocoa, I look at the desk.
How many sheets of paper are
there on the desk? There are several sheets of paper on the desk. Some of them are
papers on which I have drawn pictures, but there are more papers on which I am
“going to draw on”.
If I have an extra printout
from class, I get it and use it as paper to draw on, and if I get a blank sheet
of paper, I happily take it home and use it as paper to draw on. That’s why
double-sided printing is my enemy.
…However, among the papers
lined up on the desk, there is one that “cannot be used for drawing on paper
due to its single-sided printing.”
“What’s wrong, Tougo…
Oh, is that why?” (Teacher)
Teacher, who looked at me with
what must surely have been a reluctant face and then peered over the desk, took
up the prints and nodded in agreement.
The printout that my teacher
took up was a printout of… our career options survey.
After looking at the printout
that said, “career options survey,” my teacher seemed to understand
my feelings.
“I see. You are already
that time in school. You chose the humanities and sciences for summer, right? Let
me look at it… Law school. I see. That’s a very good offer. Very good.”
(Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
My teacher looked at my face
and laughed.
…He told me that this was my stance.
I’m glad to know that there
are people out there who can see my feelings.
Maybe this is how I got my
teacher to find me, and that’s how I manage to breathe.
“Hmm… it looks like
it’s going to be hard to write this. You’re right on time to turn it in before
the deadline.” (Teacher)
“……yes.” (Tougo)
I hate the career counseling I
have to do. I am going to have to lie. And even if the lie is true, I still have
to lie.
Each time I do this, I feel
like my feelings are getting buried inside me.
Every time they get buried, my
teacher finds them and digs them up, but still, many people come to bury my
heart.
That’s what I’m afraid of.
“Hmm… I have it better
than you… but I still have similar things.” (Teacher)
My teacher says then leans
against the wall near the window with his cup in his hand.
“I too have told lies on
paper. I’m sure you know that too…” (Teacher)
Yes. I know. Teacher is also a
teacher, and there are times when he has to hide his feelings by telling lies
that he doesn’t want to tell. If anything, he might be having it a lot harder
than me.
“…For example, every year, you
lie about the somen noodles that are given to you. You say, ‘It was delicious’
even if it was not.” (Teacher)
Um… well. I actually enjoy
all the somen noodles.
…In that sense, “Tougo Uezora’s”
words on those being delicious may not be a lie.
“Well, aside from somen
noodles, it seems that you don’t quite know what you wanted to write in this
career survey.” (Teacher)
…I am at a loss for words.
I’ve been looking back at my
feelings, but I can’t seem to formulate them properly.
I like to draw. But I can’t put
it into words.
I want to paint. I want to
paint all the time. But it stops there. …There is surely nothing beyond that.
There is nothing. There
shouldn’t be. That is what I felt.
I want there to be something.
But I don’t think I should say that.
At least, I can’t write
“I want to be a painter” on my career application. I am sure that is
not what I want to write…
Seeing me like that, my teacher
smiled happily.
“That’s right. I think
you like to draw. From my point of view, you look really happy when you draw,
and it’s really nice.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
“I hope that you will be
able to live a life in which you can do what you want to do. Of course, I know
how difficult that could be.” (Teacher)
“……yes.” (Tougo)
I know too There are many
reasons why it is “difficult”. I know that too. That’s why I didn’t
know what to write in the career option survey, so I ended up writing “law
school”.
What is it that I am lacking?
Is it words or courage? I don’t even know.
“But you know what, Tougo? In
the first place, you don’t have to trust everything about yourself to a piece
of paper.” (Teacher)
Mr teacher, however, put a
printout of the career choice survey on the desk.
“What you wrote here
can’t be everything about you, can it?” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
What is written there is not
what I want. There are many other things that I want to write here and many
other things that I can’t write here. I have not yet been able to see it
clearly or give it form it. …I still can’t see it well, and it doesn’t take
shape. I feel like I shouldn’t give it a shape, though.
“Even if you come to
terms with reality. Even if the future doesn’t look very good. Even if there
are things you have to give up. But we must not lose sight of who we are.”
(Teacher)
Teacher doesn’t even look at
me as he says,
“Who you are. It is okay
to let go of reality and everything else and keep that hidden in your heart.”
(Teacher)
“Hidden…” (Tougo)
I responded a little, and he
looked at me with a grin.
“That’s right. Yes, keep
it hidden. Hide it from those who will try to destroy your treasure as soon as
they find it before it has a chance to take shape.” (Teacher)
His words were something no
one else had ever said to me.
And I’m sure that’s what I
wanted to be told.
“……yes.” (Tougo)
“Well… it’s all things
that can’t be done. It’s all a bit of a mess. You have to lie on this paper.
You have a lot of unspoken thoughts, and you know who you want to be.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
I have to lie and hide my true
feelings. Things that would be destroyed if taken out must be hidden quietly.
But that doesn’t mean you have
to pretend you don’t see it, nor does it mean you have to put it away and
forget about it.
You can hide the unspoken. You
can let it slowly warm up inside of you and wait for the day when it will hatch…
like the egg of a bird.
Someday.
“…well, someday.”
(Tougo)
My teacher looked at me and
smiled, rubbing the cup of cocoa in his hand, which he had drunk out of before I
knew it.
“I hope someday you’ll be
able to put into words what you really feel.” (Teacher)
“……yes.” (Tougo)
I hope so too.
I hope that one day I will be
able to give form to what I have been keeping hidden and incubating for so long.
“If you can put your
feelings into words, please let me know. I want to hear how you express
yourself.” (Teacher)
“…you know I am not
good at putting things into words.” (Tougo)
“Hahaha. That’s right. Yes,
you are. But you also know that I’m not very good at drawing, but you let me do
it from time to time. That’s similar.” (Teacher)
“Yes.” (Tougo)
This is good. Yes. We are good.
Both Teacher and I are full of
things that we can’t do.
“Yeah, that’s true. So, will
you tell me about it sometime?” (Teacher)
Seeing my teacher grin, I nod.
“Yes.” (Tougo)
Someday. I’ll be able to put
it into words.
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