Drawn Mochi Volume 4 Chapter 16.2: Around the Open Gate*7

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“I want people to think about the painting, whether it’s ‘I feel at home when I look at it,’ ‘I like the colors,’ or even ‘I don’t understand it,’ if you want. I want people to look at the painting, not at what is beyond the painting. That’s what I want.” (Tougo)

“Um, please tell me again. What did Mr. Argent think when he saw my painting?” (Tougo)

　Mr. Argent was silent for a while. The way he gracefully tilted his cup of tea seemed to be a sign of tranquility, but behind the facade, he seemed to be thinking desperately about something.

　…I was anxiously waiting for Mr. Argent’s words.

“I was waiting for Mr. Argent to say something. I’m sorry if I’m being forward, but…” (Fay)

　At that, Fay interjected.

“You haven’t seen Tougo’s painting, have you?” (Fay)

　Mr. Argent stiffened, as if frozen. Without blinking, he glared at Fay… and then, noticing my gaze, glanced at me awkwardly.

　…I see. This person has never seen my painting.

　I was completely convinced. If that’s the case, then… well, I understand the response you just had. The reason I was thinking so desperately was because I was thinking a lie. Yeah. After all, I can’t comment on what I think even though I haven’t seen it.

“I’m sure you just heard the rumor. There’s an artist who does some unusual paintings. That’s how you heard about him. That’s the only reason why you approached Tougo.” (Fay)

　When Fay said that, Mr. Argent did not deny it.

　But Mr. Argent remained silent and the time went by…

“If that’s the case, what does it matter?” (Fida)

　The words that were finally uttered seemed to be very angry, and I almost flinched.

　But I shouldn’t be intimidated.

“I am an artist. I want recognition for my paintings. If I don’t get that kind of recognition, that kind of place, then this is not the place I want to be. Because I am a painter, not a decoration.” (Tougo)

　Mr. Argent looked a little uncomfortable. I guess he was a little uncomfortable that he hadn’t seen my painting. Perhaps he regretted not having been able to convince me otherwise. But if he thought something about it, my words were not in vain.

“All the things you offered me in your conditions were not what I wanted. I am not satisfied with money or status.” (Tougo)

　Not so much as dissatisfied but unsatisfied. …Would you call this dissatisfaction?

　…Mr. Argent sank into the back of the chair and glanced at Fay.

“Did something come from the Redgarde family?” (Fida)

“No. Nothing in particular. I just thought it would be rude for our painter to join a discussion without a member of the Redgarde family in attendance.” (Fay)

　Fay gave a curt response… and then his expression changed a little.

“By the way, if my best friend refused to talk to me about something big, I thought, well, I’d be pissed too. So, I thought it would be a good idea to let him turn down the offer by himself.” (Fay)

　His expression cheered me up. Mr. Argent looks like he’s had his energy sucked out of him.

“Um, Mr. Argent.” (Tougo)

　Using the energy, I had received, I managed to tell him.

“As expected, I’m afraid I have to decline your offer. It’s too heavy for me. It’s so heavy for me, I might not be able to walk.” (Tougo)

　Then Mr. Argent was silent again.

　…when he opened his mouth again, his voice was much colder.

“…it’s a shame, really. I thought you were smarter than that.” (Fida)

“Yes. I’m not very smart. I’m not the creature you want me to be.” (Tougo)

　I was disappointed, I thought, but it made me a little happy.

　To be disappointed means to be understood. It means that they understand what kind of creature I am… and that I am not the creature you want me to be.

　That makes me happy.

　It’s a step forward from me who didn’t have the courage to be disappointed.

　…It’s not a bad thing to be able to give up. It’s something I need to do in order to survive. I’m not sure I’ll ever be what they want me to be.

　Perhaps Mr. Argent was a bit surprised by my response. Maybe he was expecting me to be disappointed.

“You should remember that. There are many replacements just like you. Your paintings do not have much value either. How can you criticize me as if you were a well-known painter? It’s a good thing that you don’t know anything about yourself.” (Fida)

　What he was saying was changing from the first time, but this was probably Mr. Argent’s true feelings.

　Now that he is telling me what he really thinks, this is another step forward.

“Yes, you can replace me with many people. I think there are many alternatives for you. I don’t think I’m that good of a painter. At least compared to those who are doing it professionally, of course.” (Tougo)

　When I answered, Mr. Argent snickered. I don’t think I’m that good of a painter. Well, my drawing skills are only to the point of being laughed at,

“That’s why I’d rather go with someone who says, ‘There’s no replacement for you,’ than someone who says, ‘There’s plenty of replacements for you.’” (Tougo)

　　But there are people who like my paintings, even if others laugh at them. And I’m happy with that.

“If that’s the case, stay in the edge for the rest of your life. You’ll regret it. You’ll never make it.” (Fida)

“I’d rather have someone who can laugh and regret with me when I fail than someone who can help me succeed.” (Tougo)

　Next to me, Fay reacts a little.

　Fay looked at me quietly… And then smiled. I’m so happy that my face also relaxes.

　Then Mr. Argent looked at me as if he was looking at something he didn’t understand and let out a sigh.

“Hmmm. Do you really think you can live with that kind of resolve?” (Fida)

“If I can’t live, I think it’s okay to die.” (Tougo)

　And when I answered, Mr. Argent was momentarily taken aback. The way he looked at me changed from “the way I look at something I don’t understand” to “the way I look at something I can’t understand.” If I had to guess, I’d say it was the look on something that was less than the gazer.

　…There’s nothing wrong with being looked at like that. This was the correct answer because I was able to understand that I was something strange and not human… that I’m something that they can’t understand at all.

“I want to live in a place where I can live. Therefore, I would like to decline your offer.” (Tougo)

　I said this again and bowed deeply to the person I could never understand.

“…Hmph. I don’t mind. I don’t have the time to deal with people who don’t even have the will to succeed.” (Fida)

　Mr. Argent said grumpily, then glared at Fay.

“You said you were a child of the Redgarde’s.” (Fida)

“Yes.” (Fay)

　Fay straightened his posture at that, a nervous expression on his face.

“You know, right? You…” (Fida)

“Well.” (Fay)

　I raised my hand to intervene between the tense atmosphere between the two of them.

“…What is it?” (Fida)

　Mr. Argent looked a little disappointed, when his momentum had been killed by my sudden intrusion. Fay looked flabbergasted. Yeah. If I can relieve the tension, that’s great.

“Well, Mr. Argent.” (Tougo)

　So I decided to say what Fay probably couldn’t say.